Lonely

I cried again last night. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Funny, I did it so much as a child – seems like every night from the time I remember, which was one of the very reasons why I married when and who I did. And now I’m crying again but for very different reasons. Now I’m lonely, and yet I do not live alone.

When did I become invisible? When did he stop seeing me or caring that I’m here?

While the sex has literally never been there in our marriage, there was a time when we were at least intimate. I remember him putting a hand on my thigh in the car or an arm around me as we walked together. I remember holding hands and hugging and sitting close together. I remember sharing a bed. Although now those memories are fading.

Am I so bad? Have I become so unappealing that he simply can’t stand the thoughts of me now? Am I that annoying? Or boring? How can he give his friends and hobbies hours and days and not even have a conversation with me? Would it be so hard to recognize that carrying his children are what changed my body? Am I that unattractive now? Do I really look that different? Other people don’t seem to think so.

I stay for my children. I will not mess up their lives. After all, there’s no fighting in our home. Never harsh words or meanness. I wonder though if one day they’ll look back and realize how silent it was, notice how their parents never touched and that their father never shared a bed with their mother. I wonder if one day they’ll think that this is what a marriage should be and that’s it okay. I want more for them. I want them to know love and passion and intimacy. I don’t want them to ever feel lonely or go to bed crying.

Of course then I wonder if that’s really a possibility. Is it me? Could I ever have a real relationship with anyone that would have love and intimacy? Would I weigh on the nerves of anyone I lived with and send them in the same direction he’s taken? Am I just that overbearing and annoying?

I had to get this out. My pity party will end soon and I’ll pick myself up and go on with a smile on my face just like I always do. Right now though, I’m tired and I’m sad and I’m giving myself permission to be that way.