Feelings

Yesterday was a hard act to follow. I’m telling the truth when I say that I thought it might be the end. I wasn’t sure how I’d react at another meeting. Part of me didn’t want to push the envelope. Part of me wanted to embrace the perfection of the day, recognize the raw emotion I felt, appreciate it, remember it forever, and then walk away. That must sound awful, but its how I felt.

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to let someone be good to me, pleasure me, spoil me. I don’t know how to feel such passion. It’s uncharted and scary and wonderful and exciting all at the same time.

So, I went to sleep the night after our last encounter thinking that since there’s no way it could possibly get better that I should just let go. I mean there’s no future to it. And then I woke up and realized that I can’t now. (Oh, I would if that’s what he wanted. I’m not a stalker.)

I know that I’ve crossed the line now. My body started this, but now my heart is involved. There’s still no future. There are obligations and promises and a million other things that complicate everything, but I find myself in a sea of feelings I’m not sure I’ve felt before and I don’t know quite what to do with.

Of course who knows if he feels anything even remotely like what I do. Although, I suppose it doesn’t matter really. It would be okay if he didn’t. I have no right, no justification. We were clear from the beginning what this was. And yet suddently I'm facing insecure thoughts, feeling like a child, a crazy high school girl. I still accept the reality of the situation, although I’m a bit overwhelmed by all the “what ifs” in my head. And those obligations? Well they aren’t changing, they aren’t going away, and I certainly don’t even want them to.

And then…I hear from him, wanting me again, and there's simply no way I can say no. He owns me now...